Any serious Doctor Who fan will have heard the rumours circulated recently: old episodes of Doctor Who have arrived in the UK, episodes that were thought lost. You may also have read an article today stating that apparently those episodes are effectively being held hostage by the people who found them until one simple demand is met – Steven Moffat must go!
I can exclusively reveal that this is not entirely true, yet the actual truth is far, far more disturbing and/or exciting. Read on at your own risk; what I write below is the truth, which I have been told by at least two independent sources…
The truth is this: it isn’t old episodes of Doctor Who that is being held hostage but old Doctor Whos!
Yes! Peter Davison, Colin Baker and Paul McGann are being kept in a crate which seemingly arrived in the UK sometime in 2011 from Lagos, fed on nothing but Jelly Babies and have been forced to watch Galaxy 4, episode three over and over and over again.
The hostage-takers have publicly denied any such thing but, as usual, us fans know better! They are demanding that Steven Moffat not only stand down as Showrunner, but that he reinstates Caroline Skinner as “Doctor Who Queen” and RTD as “Doctor Who Queen” – the duo, it is demanded, must have absolute control over all aspects of the show, until fans go off them at which point they will be killed.
Unfortunately I am unable to name my sources on this, but can confirm that one lives and works overseas and the other still lives with his mother. I guarantee you they are trustworthy and reliable. Put it this way, they knew about the pink Dalek before it was even shown on screen. Plus, I was told about all this weeks ago but was urged to keep it to myself… So…
Whether there is any truth to this rumour is up to you to decide: you’ve already clicked on my link and added a much-needed hit to my ailing blog, so I couldn’t care less. Granted, you may never be able to rely on anything I write as being the truth ever again, but at least my ad revenue is on the rise.
Hopefully there will be some other juicy revelation about the missing Doctor Whos, or something about a public fist fight, or a scandalous sexual frisson, or another “meltdown at Roath Lock” soon to keep us all occupied/enthused/outraged. And hey, if not we’ll just get someone of the forum to make something up.
Thanks for your time and retweets.