Depression is…

Black DogDepression, to me, is feeling suffocated, like I’m constantly wrapped in a duvet. It’s feeling like I’m wearing a motorcycle helmet at all times, always one inch of padding between me and anything happening. It’s the bad things concentrated and the good things diluted. It’s knowing I can get help but not being able to grab hold of it, as though I’m wearing boxing gloves all the time. It’s hearing things but not listening, seeing things but not noticing. It’s snapping for no reason at everyone I love. It’s lying awake at night, not remembering falling asleep, feeling like I didn’t when I wake. It’s headaches, earaches, stomach aches. It’s being hungry but not being able to eat. It’s not being able to drink enough to quench my thirst. It’s making plans and regretting it immediately. It’s sitting still for hours. It’s re-watching TV shows I watched last time I felt really low, but taking none of it in. It’s sometimes scary, often isolating, usually debilitating. But I also know that it passes, that’s how I work. I have high periods where I’m like a lunatic – passionate, proactive, creative – followed by devastating lows where I’m a ghost of myself – hopeless, angry, anxious. But the highs come back! And on the way there I feel fine! On that upward slope (and the downward one) I’m me. I’m just lucky there’s more slope than there is peak or trough. Nobody needs to worry about me. I’m used to this. I’ve lived with it for the best part of a decade. I’m learning to beat it, thanks to the support of everyone around me; people I take for granted, people who deserve better from me. And that’s what depression is to me: riding the slopes but never doing so alone – and I’m okay 🙂

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2 comments

  1. I’ve had it myself. One day it will end. You have to hold in there until getting to that day. Keep doing the things you love, avoid as much as possible the things you don’t like. Commune with nature. Bore your friends! YOU WILL WIN.

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